WWY Stepping back into life

Posted January 23rd, 2013 by admin
This week we are writing about steeping back into life.
In one aspect I never really stopped living….I mean how could I with five living kids to take care of. On the other hand to really live fully and love with all of my heart took a while. I guess for many months I went through the motions, numb except for the sadness. I did not want to be around people because they seemed to say the most ridiculously hurtful things. I tried to tell myself they could not help it they did not know better, but at night their words would haunt me . So I stayed away as much as possible. 
When we had our annual pastors conference in June I did not really want to go. I was only sleeping two hours a night and Was exhausted most of the time. I was faced with many days of being around A LOT of people and seeing my new nephew that was the same age as Jonathan. This was my breaking point and what propelled me to step back into life. I went with a lot of fear that things would go terribly wrong and to some degree they did. 
Some things that I thought I could do with ease ripped my heart out and some things that griped me with fear were not so bad. By far the worst feeling was my desperate need for someone to understand, to love me and show compassion for the deep anguish in my heart. At bible conference Jesus once again became that someone.
 
 I also came to a place of true thankfulness for Jonathan. I was thankful that Jesus asked me to carry him for as long as I did. I was thankful that I got to hold him and spend time with him. Most of all I was so thankful I did indeed have another son waiting for me and Jesus has provided a way for us to spend eternity together.
I had the revelation that this is a path I would mostly walk alone with Jesus. I could share Jonathan’s story but in truth very few people would understand. Many people would say foolish and hurtful things and I would have to forgive them and love them over and over again. Sermons spoke to my heart and I let go and began to recklessly forgive and give grace to those that did not deserve it. After all many had showered me with grace that I did not deserve over the last six months.
One of the quotes that really spoke to me at conference was from our head pastor he said, 
 
” Do not get caught in the dark world of introspection.” 
 
This is from man that became paralyzed from the waist down after a car accident when he was a very young pastor. He easily could of became trapped in an introspective world, asking why and wallowing in grief for the rest of his life. Living without his legs is a life sentence just as living without Jonathan in our family is a life sentence for me. God gives us a time to grieve, he gives us grace during that time to deeply mourn but we can not remain in that place. Comfort and healing is the purpose of grieving.
 
Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted
Matthew 5:4
 
 I knew that Jesus was calling me from mourning to dancing once again. I faced the fear that joy would take me far away from Jonathan and I realized healing would not end my love for him. In the last months I have healed and Jonathan is never far from my heart. When deep grief threatens to settle in I start thanking and praising for God for my son in Heaven.
I feel compelled to add at that time I did have the assistance of my doctor to break the patter of sleeplessness. After much prayer and contemplation I went on a prescribed amount of sleep aid for one month and then tapered it off. It worked like the doctor said and my sleep pattern returned to normal. This really improved my outlook and my attitude. True sleeplessness is devastating to the body and mind in so many ways. I have been criticized for being a Christian and resorting to medication but I have to say it what was best for me at the time. With my sleep restored everything got better and my heart and mind felt clear after living in a thick fog. I also started attending a local support group and did not need so much online support.
Around July I began to feel true joy instead of just pain. I went to Tenn and then we took a family vacation and spent countless hours at the beach. The smile in my eyes returned and joy began to outweigh the sadness.
As I approach Jonathan’s Birthday there have moments of great pain. The sting in my heart of living without him can be brutal. I still have to forgive foolish comments because I choose to share Jonathan with the world. I know Jesus will carry me through, just as he has in the past. I need not fear the grief or the healing there is a time for both and Jesus is faithful to see me through it all.
 
1 There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
 
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
5 a time to mourn and a time to dance,

11 He has made everything beautiful in its time
 
Ecclesiastes 3 1,4,5,and 11

Friday, January 18, 2013

A Heavenly Portrait

No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him 
~1 Corinthians 2:9
Beth recently did the most beautiful drawing of Jonathan in Heaven. My husband saw it and said “That’s exactly how I see him!” I am so very thankful for Beth, her writing and art are a true blessing to the baby loss community. I am never disappointed in any of Beth’s beautiful work!
 
You can order your babies Custom Digital Remembrance Art HERE!
 
THANK YOU Beth a MILLION times!!! :)
Fear not, little flock; for it is your Father’s good pleasure to give you the kingdom.
~Luke 12:32

Thursday, January 17, 2013

An Unexpected Delight

My mom had a job interview near our home and she was able to come and visit for two nights. She lives in Tenn and if she gets this job she will be visiting several time a year. It was a delight to unexpectedly get to see her. My kids loved her so much and it’s hard to go six months to a year without a visit. It would be a wonderful blessing that we are able to spend more time with her.
Love you Mom, I am so thankful for you!
 
But Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”
~Matthew 19:26

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

A Jonathan Shaped Spot In My Heart.

Yesterday I sat in the room where it was confirmed that Jonathan had gone to Heaven, it was also the room where they gave me pill that would begin to induce labor. I did not cry but there was a lump in my throat the whole time, I talked myself through each moment taking deep breaths. A few hours later the tears came and I was afraid they would not stop. They did stop and I felt the prayers of  those that love me comforting me.
How I wish I was in that room because we were expecting our rainbow baby but I was there to have a conformation diagnosis of endometriosis. There will be no rainbow baby for a while. I feel sad, yet I fully believe that God is in control. He has a plan for our family, I might not like it but I trust him.
 
I have to ask myself….. why do I desire a rainbow baby so badly? I said this to my SIL and she wisely said “You have love in your heart that you were unable to give Jonathan” My favorite song after I had Jonathan was Smallest and Wingless. There is a line in that says, “Sadness is just love wasted, no little heart to place it inside.” I have given all of my heart to Jonathan and poured love out on him in various ways, yet it is not the same as if he were here.


Whether or not I ever have another baby, there will always be a Jonathan shaped spot in my heart.

 
Craig Cardiff – Smallest Wingless
 
Dear Son we’ve been waiting for you.
thrilled, beside ourselves you’ve arrived.
white coats came in heads held low.
talked for a bit, shuffled outside.
 
we closed the curtains, held each other and cried.
said hello at the same time we said goodbye.
 
smallest and wingless
leaving as soon as you arrived.
sadness is just love wasted
with no little heart to place it inside.
 
we closed the curtains held each other and cried.
said hello at the same time we said goodbye
 
 
My flesh and my heart may fail, But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever
~Psalm 73:26

Monday, January 14, 2013

This time last year.

One year ago on January the 13th we found out we were having a baby boy. He was squirmy during the ultrasound and it took a long time to see that he was a little boy. That next day, one year ago today, we finalized his name Jonathan Anthony and told his big brothers and sister. The boys rejoiced and said “Hooray another member for the boys club!” (an all boys club of cousins started by their beloved Papa). We were all so excited to welcome him into our family. I was feeling sick and spent the next week on the couch I had no idea that all to soon we would say goodbye to our son.
 
Jonathan’s sweet little face in 3D
Dear Jonathan I loved from the moment I knew of you. I was excited to watch you grow up with your brothers and sister. You were so wanted and so loved. You will always be my baby boy.
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
~Psalm 139:13-16

Walking With You: Clinging In The Pit

This week in WWY, we are talking about life in the pit of new grief. 

In the first weeks after Jonathan’s birth I was very physically sick, I had many DR appointments and one trip to the ER. I kind of zoned in and out of reality wanting it to all be a bad dream. I had some seriously scary panic attacks and horrific nightmares, that I still can not talk about. The pain was so deep at moments that I can not find words to describe it.
 
 A few weeks after his birth I got passionate about sharing Jonathan’s life. I did things like start this blog, join online support groups, sent out birth announcements and I talked about Jonathan to EVERYONE! I was always writing about him in journals and on my blog. Everywhere I went I would speak of him.
 
 I can not believe all the love and support I received in the pit. On the flip side I can not believe the awful heartbreaking things some people said, unfortunately even dear friends. 
 
About three months after Jonathan’s death I had what I will call my breaking point. I was not sleeping at all, like two hours a night. I felt everyone was over hearing me talk about him and ready for me to move on. It began to sink in that people were really uncomfortable hearing about a dead baby that was born at twenty weeks.
I got lots of rude comments because my openness in my grief. In fact family members were ashamed of my blog. People that I asked repeatedly to call Jonathan by name would not. When I mentioned him I could see people shifting in their seats and turning their eyes away, they often would changed the subject. I was heartbroken and felt very abandon by many. One lady actually had the nerve to tell me that many people did not think of Jonathan as a baby but a blob. I swear I almost threw up right then and there. A lot of people totally ignored him and my grief. Many people said nothing at all, still even to this day. 
 
What really hurt the most was how many people dismissed Jonathan because I have so many healthy Children. I CONSTANTLY heard, “You can have another baby and your so blessed”. My heart broke each time I heard this, feeling that Jonathan’s life was easily replaced. If I had ten kids none of them could take his place in my heart. He was our precious, wanted, loved and valuable little boy. I have not gotten pregnant this year so easy answers do not always pan out. 
 
 All this kind of hit home and the realization that I should have a new baby sunk in. I acted and reacted way out of character during this time. I felt like everyone abandon me, this was not true but it was how I felt at the time. looking back I can see that the lack of sleep and extreme grief had an effect on my emotions and reasoning. I think most everyone had my best interest at heart but I could not see it because of the pain. There were some legitimate offenses that came during this time and I am so glad that Jesus has helped me to completely forgive.
 
 I would end most nights crying alone after I put my other kids to bed. I stayed up ALL night reading, praying, and writing. I went up and down from crying out, desperately clinging to Jesus, to being so numb it was hard to do anything. I am so blessed that many were praying for me during this time. It was their….(your) prayers, that help me make it through. 
 
I would never want to relive those early days so much hurt and pain surround them. There were days I wanted to scream Where are the people that care, why aren’t helping me? Where is my Jesus, why won’t he rescue me from the pain?

The truth is… there are some dark nights of the soul that we will walk alone, this was mine. It is in these times of life that God becomes our all in all and we are drastically changed. Jesus took me on a path of offenses to bring me to a place of mercy and grace. Looking back I see Gods hand and sovereignty in all that happened and I love him so much for his goodness.
 
I am now especially draw to mommies that are new to grief because I felt SO alone. I am determined to someday find a tangible way to reach out to mommies in fresh grief to let them know they are not alone. (hopefully I will become a NILMDTS volunteer ) I have to say that I am extremely thankful for the people that did support me and even more than support, gave me lots of grace during the most trying time of my life.
The capacity to give one’s attention to a sufferer is a very rare and difficult thing; it is almost a miracle; it is a miracle. 
 ~Simone Weil

I am worn out from my groaning.
All night long I flood my bed with weeping
and drench my couch with tears.
 My eyes grow weak with sorrow;
~Psalms 6:6
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.
~ Isaiah 43:2-5
 
Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence? If I ascend to heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there! If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me
~Psalm 139:7-12

Surely he has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows

~Isaiah 53:4

Saturday, January 12, 2013

Joseph Celebrated!

We celebrated Josephs 2nd birthday with our family and Mam. We went out to a local restaurant my husband has eaten at since he was a kid. Joseph was antsy but did mange to eat a little. We came home to have cake and presents. He didn’t  really need anything because he was just blessed by Christmas. He loved the few gifts we got him and dance to the music while teckdecking and driving a car. 
Shayla just had to pose  ;)
Time for cake, Jo Jo could not quite figure out the candles he just said hot.
This is his embarrassed look when is not sure what to do he looks up and hides under his bags.
 
A few presents!
 Time to take a ride

That ended in a crash and yep you guessed it, then ended in a HUG
One last strawberry before bed mommy after all I am two? Jo Jo dose not really talk but I could read it in his eyes:) 
Joseph we love you so much your life brings so much joy to our family I Know God has big plans for you little boy!
All your children shall be taught by the Lord, and great shall be the peace of your children.
Isaiah 54:13

Friday, January 11, 2013

 

Happy Second Birthday Jo Jo!!!

Joseph Malone
1-11-11
Joseph entered the world five weeks early. He did remarkably well and only spent one night in the NICU.
A highlight of his birth was that my Mom and Mamaw were able to be with me in the room when I had him. This was a pretty special gift because it was the first birth my Mamaw had witnessed. She adopted all three of her children and then later adopted her granddaughter.
Shayla was beyond thrilled and adored Joseph.
Jo Jo a few days old
First Christmas
First Birthday
First Step


HELLO Two, let the fun begin!!!!
Joseph you are not saying a lot of words but you always seem to be able to get what you want.  You can say eat, light, Jesse, mine, more, ball, sissy, no, DaDa, MaMa, out (outside) cookie. I know there are more but I am tired:) You also love to skateboard and text deck. You are pure joy and delight to my soul. I am so thankful that you are in our family. How I will always miss seeing you grow up with a close baby brother. That’s why I love this last picture, the bear represents Jonathan in our photos and when we ask you to carry it to us you flung it up in the air over your head. I had to smile thing of you wrestling Jonathan.
 
You are a good boy JO JO and we LOVE you so much!!
 
You will show me the path of life; in Your presence is fullness of joy, at Your right hand there are pleasures forevermore. 
~Psalm 16: 11

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